Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
