I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
