I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
