last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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