Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
