4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Randomize
