in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
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