i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
