My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
