My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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