Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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