You just made me feel so damn special
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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