and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
