go do what you do best...puke behind churches
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
