OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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