I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
