My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
