I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
