Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
