Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
