Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
