dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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