somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
