All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
