3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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