I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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