her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
