I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
