how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
