So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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