it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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