I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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