you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
