my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
