On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
