i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
