My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
