Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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