I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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