Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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