my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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