Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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