Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
