Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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