My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
