true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
