i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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