I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
