I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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