She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
