I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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