Whod you bang
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
